This is the second post in a series that goes through How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie and summarizes the key ideas.
Want and Appreciation
Carnegie starts Chapter 2 with an important idea.
“There is only one way under high heaven to get anybody to do anything. Did you ever stop to think about that? Yes, just one way. And that is by making the other person want to do it.”
There are many ways to get people to want to do something, like sticking a gun to their gut. You can manipulate them and toy with their beliefs and emotions. There is also a third and better way: showing appreciation.
We constantly have reasons to appreciate people’s thoughts and actions, though it is common to ignore these reasons or never act on them.
Importance
Carnegie brings in a second important idea: we all desire to be important.
“[John] Dewey said that the deepest urge in human nature is “the desire to be important.” Remember that phrase: “the desire to be important.” It is significant. You are going to hear a lot about it in this book.”
We have many wants and needs. Arguably the highest, most important one is the desire to feel important, to have meaning and purpose in our lives. Not only does this drive our actions and gives us meaning, it is a defining part of who we are.
“If you tell me how you get your feeling of importance, I’ll tell you what you are. That determines your character. That is the most significant thing about you.”
Appreciation to Action
The ideas that you only do anything because you want to, and you desire to have importance and meaning above all else, are very connected. If having meaning is the most important thing to people, then giving someone meaning is the most effective way to get them to do something.
The best way to give someone meaning—and get them to take action—is to show them appreciation.
Flattery Sucks
Appreciation is not the same thing as flattery, which Carnegie takes great care to explain.
“Of course flattery seldom works with discerning people. It is shallow, selfish and insincere. It ought to fail and it usually does. True, some people are so hungry, so thirsty, for appreciation that they will swallow anything, just as a starving man will eat grass and fishworms.
[…]
The difference between appreciation and flattery? That is simple. One is sincere and the other is insincere. One comes from the heart out; the other from the teeth out. One is unselfish; the other is selfish. One is universally admired; the other universally condemned.”
Summary
Principle 2: Give honest and sincere appreciation.
Appreciation that is not sincere or honest is pointless flattery.
Appreciation fulfills a person’s desire to have importance and meaning.
Appreciation is easier when you keep in mind that “Emerson said: ‘Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn from him.’”
Appreciation is easier when you constantly remind yourself of all the things that already deserve it; you shouldn’t have to look far to find reasons to give it!
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