This is the third post in a series that goes through How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie and summarizes the key ideas.
Selfishness
Carnegie begins Chapter 3 by reiterating some of the ideas presented in Chapter 2 about people’s wants and desires.
“Every act you have ever performed since the day you were born was performed because you wanted something. How about the time you gave a large contribution to the Red Cross? Yes, that is no exception to the rule. You gave the Red Cross the donation because you wanted to lend a helping hand; you wanted to do a beautiful, unselfish, divine act.”
An implication of this, then, is that people are primarily concerned with what they want and not what you want. Just like you’re concerned with what you want more than what others want.
“Why talk about what we want? That is childish. Absured. Of course, you are interested in what you want. You are eternally interested in it. But no one else is. The rest of us are just like you: we are interested in what we want.”
Eager Want
Therefore, to get anyone to do something we want or listen to something we say, the solution is not to carefully explain why we want it to happen or be heard. The solution is to make them want to act or listen.
“Harry A. Overstreet in his illuminating book Influencing Human Behavior said: “Action springs out of what we fundamentally desire . . . and the best piece of advice which can be given to would-be persuaders, whether in business, in the home, in the school, in politics, is: First, arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way.”
For people to do something, they must want to do it. Even selfless acts like genuine donations or personal sacrifices happen because the person wanted to do it, at least on some level.
“Tomorrow you may want to persuade somebody to do something. Before you speak, pause and ask yourself: “How can I make this person want to do it?
That question will stop us from rushing into a situation heedlessly, with futile chatter about our desires.”
Obvious, Yet Easy to Forget
“Here is one of the best bits of advice every given about the fine art of human relationships. “If there is any one secret of success,” says Henry Ford, “it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.
[…]
That is so simple, so obvious, that anyone ought to see the truth of it at a glance; yet 90 percent of people on this earth ignore it 90 percent of the time.”
It is easy to forget because our brains don’t think that way be default. We need to remind ourselves constantly about these key ideas.
“If out of reading this book you get just one thing—an increased tendency to think always in terms of other people’s point of view, and see things from their angle—if you get that one thing out of this book, it may easily prove to be one of the building blocks of your career.”
Manipulation?
It’s easy for this to sound like manipulation of a person, but is it?
“Looking at the other person’s point of view and arousing in him an eager want for something is not to be construed as manipulating that person so that he will do something that is only for your benefit and his detriment. Each party should gain from the negotiation.”
You’re not ‘manipulating’ their wants or ‘putting your wants into their head’. Rather, you are making them aware of wants that they can have. You are saying that by the other person helping you or agreeing with your, you are fulfilling a want that they actually have. So, both sides benefit.
Summary
Principle 3: Arouse in the other person an eager want.
People do things because they want to.
People are more concerned about their wants than yours (same for you).
Give people reasons to want to help you, listen to you.
If both sides aren’t benefiting, you’re probably manipulating.
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